by Rebecca “Ruji” Chapnik.
You try to ignore it, but the queasy feeling won’t disappear. Is it all in my head? you wonder. Blaming yourself for being insecure, you sweep your worries under the futon.
Three months later, you’re purging the debris of a hit-and-run relationship, wishing you could rewind and stop at the instant you sensed you were getting the short end of the proverbial stick.
Regret, the ugly aftermath of romantic failure, can be avoided if you exercise keen awareness from the start. Fortunately for the uneducated masses, there are people like myself who take joy in sharing their negative experiences! So, to the point of this article-I now present six red flags of dating culled from my own life and the tearful accounts of friends.
The Scenario:
You’re braced before the keyboard, staring intently at the chat window. He said, “BRB,” over half an hour ago, and you don’t want to send another IM asking if he’s back. Reading over the few lines exchanged with him before his (supposed) indefinite departure from cyberspace, you notice a pattern:
You (5:00): How are you?
Him (5:05): I’m all right.
You (5:05): What are you up to?
Him (5:10): Watching Law and Order.
You (5:10): Cool. I’m thinking of going to get pizza. Are you hungry?
Him (5:17): I just ate.
He must be really into this “Law and Order” episode, or else he’s merely humoring you with his insipid responses.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
If you can’t engage him in a conversation online, he’s probably not dying to chat with you in real life. No matter how busy (or “busy”) he is, even if he has a thesis paper due the next day, he has time to ask how you’re doing.
And let’s face it-”I just ate,” unless followed by, “but let’s get together another time,” is often the courtship code for: “I don’t want to see you, not now, not ever.”
If you absolutely need the closure, ask him what his deal is, but do not-under any circumstances-waste time overanalyzing your crush’s apathetic manner; 99% of the time, it is exactly what it seems. (Read Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You for more information.)
The Scenario:
Once again, you’re hiding from your boss in the workplace restroom so you can take her frantic call about the latest panic attack she’s had. Whether it’s her eating disorder, her abusive father, her existential crisis, her allergies, her nighttime insomnia, or her daytime narcolepsy, the common denominator of all your conversations is that they focus on her problems.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Having problems should not be a deal-breaker per se. When your entire relationship revolves around the other person’s problems, however, that is a problem.
You can identify the wounded puppy type early on by paying close attention to your conversations. When you start to tell her how your day sucked, does she immediately jump in with an account of her own sucky day? Are your discussions dialogues or monologues? Does she ask you questions? Remember: The more resources she devotes to herself, the less she has left for you.
The Scenario:
“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” “You’re more important to me than anything else.” “I’ve never felt this close to anyone before.”
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Those lines may be de facto by the time your 5-year anniversary rolls around, but if you’re hearing them from someone you’ve known for two weeks, take a step back! No matter how sincere the speaker, it’s extremely unlikely that one can decide such things with any degree of certainty after a short amount of time.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love posits that three components are necessary for relationship success: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion alone can sometimes create a false sense of intimacy-a phenomenon colloquially known as “puppy love.”
Don’t be shocked when the person who called you “The One” just yesterday is suddenly swooning over someone new. The same impulsivity that leads someone to make headlong, grandiose declarations of love can easily result in a hurried exit. That said, refrain from purchasing that ticket to the Bahamas until you know your starry-eyed travel partner plans to stick around.
The Scenario:
You haven’t met any of his friends or family after a month. There’s no question as to whether they exist: you’ve seen the chats and heard the phone calls. He never invites you to go out with him unless it’s just the two of you, and he only invites people over when you’re not there.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
His behavior is probably due to one or more of the following:
a) He’s embarrassed of you.
b) He’s embarrassed of them.
c) He’s a different person around them (and, yes, this includes the possibility that he’s cheating on you).
d) He doesn’t think you’d get along with them.
e) He’s the jealous type and wants to keep you to himself.
If your partner acts strangely about introducing you to his friends and family, find out why. In the best of scenarios, he simply wants to avoid conflict: maybe he fears your ethnicity won’t go over so well with his neo-fascist parents, or perhaps he’d rather not face his buddies’ reactions to your hirsutism.
When there’s no sensible reason for his behavior, consider that he may not be ready for a full-time relationship. In this case, he doesn’t care-or is even afraid-to integrate you into his life. He keeps you at a low priority, to be taken out and played with when it suits him. Don’t get too serious with him; healthy couples don’t exist in quarantine.
The Scenario:
She’s only 23, and she’s been in twenty-no, twenty-one relationships! You’re #22. Thrilling, right? (Hey, at least the number doesn’t exceed her age.)
She soothes your wounded ego with a rehearsed list of logical explanations for her ongoing monogamy spree, naturally concluding with the slogan, “But I’ve changed.” By now, she surely must have learned enough from her mistakes to be a first-rate girlfriend.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Having a long string of lovers usually has more to do with someone’s personality than with external factors. Even if every one of her exes was a raging tyrant or a lethargic bum, you have to ask yourself why she has repeatedly gotten into toxic relationships.
Serial dating may result from low self-esteem and an insatiable hunger for validation, perhaps with an ounce of commitment-phobia thrown into the formula. If you’re looking for more than a short-term rendezvous, reconsider who you’re getting involved with.
The Scenario:
You happen across his profile while browsing for other queer men in your city. He seems perfect for you: red-headed, artistically inclined, even more well-versed than yourself in the theories of Foucault.
The relationship starts out with a bang (literally), and soon he admits that you’re the first man he’s ever been with. In fact, he’s only recently entertained the possibility of bisexuality. He’s hoping that your naked body in his bed will help him pinpoint his placement on the Kinsey scale once and for all.
Why It’s a Danger Signal:
Experimentation is only a red flag if you’re looking for a committed relationship. You can’t count on future wedding (or civil union) chimes when your date isn’t even sure whether to put your gender on the radar screen.
People do change their minds, and perhaps Mr. Ex-Straight Guy has a genuine interest in members of his own sex. But is it curiosity or strong attraction? Lust or limerence? The important thing here is that you’re both on the same page, and you won’t be devastated to find out he appreciates the aesthetic value of your handsome face in photographs more than on his pillow.
About the author: Rebecca “Ruji” Chapnik received her BA from the University of California, Santa Cruz in 2007. Since then, her global popularity as a freelance writer and visual artist has skyrocketed. She has even begun to make appearances on interplanetary talk shows. Historians are examining a new theory that Ms. Chapnik wrote the U.S. Constitution (and possibly, some say, proofread the first edition of the Bible). She lives in the Bay Area. Her email is : toiletresin@gmail.com
