by Samantha Jacobs.

He was a few clowns short of a circus, and had a mop of curls on his head that could easily be mistaken for a miniature poodle. Nonetheless, I was attracted; apparently, so was he.

We started dating in my sophomore year of high school. We were hooked up through a particularly heinous form of online dating: the “Instant Message Blind Date.” Here’s how it works: a (hopefully) well-intentioned mutual friend sells you on each other and exchanges your screen names. Voila, dinner and a movie via AOL.

He was Columbian, and had the usual gigantic family, which spanned both continents. He had two brothers in Columbia, a brother and sister here in the states, and an army of cousins, aunts, and uncles. Every weekend, the cousins would all meet up at someone’s house. It was never the same house twice in a row; instead they traveled like a merry-go-round, circling the town. In time, I would create a Columbian merry-go-round of a different sort.

Within a few days of that initial “date,” we were an item, and he invited me to meet his parents and his older brother. I’m not sure if it was because I wasn’t Columbian, or that I was loud, or that I wore clothes he didn’t like, but his brother was obviously unimpressed. Still, he was polite…sort of.

Two weeks later, my new boyfriend gave me some news:

“My brother thinks we should just be friends, and I guess he’s right. Sorry.”

I was young, dramatic, and pissed. I couldn’t believe that someone could be so stupid. Who cared what his brother thought? His brother wasn’t the one dating me, and I was great…wasn’t I?

Later that same week, I received an instant message from one of the cousins. I had met him only once, and barely remembered who he was.

“Hey, sorry. I got your screen name from a friend. I always like to get to know my little cousin’s girlfriends,” he said.

“Well, I’m an EX-girlfriend now,” I told him.

“Ah, too bad. You sounded pretty cool,” he replied.

Just then, I had a diabolical idea. I had spent the last few days thinking of how to exact my revenge on my ex and his meddling brother. This cousin provided a perfect way to do so. The brief, convoluted merry-go-round began. I flirted and wooed to the best of my ability, and it wasn’t long before the cousin surrendered to my wily charms. I had gone from dating one brother, to meeting the other brother, to being rejected by both brothers, to dating a cousin to get back at them.

So I gave the cousin two weeks, and then dumped the whole family. They’re still trying to figure out what hit them.

About the author: Samantha grew up in Florida, a state best known for oranges, bad drivers, and old people. A creative writing major at Purchase College, she now lives with her mother in New York. She spends her time watching Kevin Smith movies, working in retail, and musing about the life stories of complete strangers.After long bouts of playing the proverbial field in the dating world, she is happily settled down…for now. She is currently working on her first novel.