by Ed Attanasio

Because I am a writer, many of my friends ask me all the time to write their online profiles to post on dating web sites. I always feel like it’s a big commitment — kind of like writing someone’s resume or biography. There’s a lot at stake and the pressure to write something really good about someone can be very exhausting, because many of my friends are highly dysfunctional. How do you effectively describe the essence of a human being in just a few paragraphs? Without lying or opening yourself up to a civil suit?

I must admit, I have gotten pretty adept at it over the years. The secret to writing a great profile is to emphasize the good things about people while minimizing their shortcomings. Stretching the truth slightly is no crime and many people do it.

No matter how bad or messed up some people are, you can usually find something positive to write about them. They say that Attila the Hun was really nice to his elephants (“loves animals”). Hitler was a vegetarian (“healthy and fit”). And legend has it that Genghis Khan took really good care of his fu manchu (“well-groomed”).

In case you didn’t know it, the standard dating profile is supposed to be 200-300 words in length – 150-200 words about you and 50-100 words describing the type of person you’re looking for. It’s a short story, essentially. Think of it as haiku rather than War and Peace or Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary. Many people make the mistake of being too long-winded – less information is more.

We don’t need you to list every movie you’ve ever seen or every CD you’ve ever listened to. The main objective of your online profile should be to effectively convey your character, feelings and emotions using as few words as possible. Give us Ernest Hemingway, not William Shakespeare. Think Readers Digest, not National Geographic.

Over the years, I have learned all of the do’s and don’ts associated with online dating profiles. One of the great advantages of writing a profile is that you can make yourself out to be literally anyone you want to be. You have an opportunity to re-invent yourself – like being the new kid in school. If you want to be the cool, distant, artistic type, you can. If you want to be the militant, revolutionary idealist, go ahead and be it. Your profile is a canvas on which you can re-create yourself — to be whoever you want to be or ever wished you were.

Most people are looking for someone who is an admirable, compassionate and idyllic hero or heroine. The reason for this is quite simple – everyone wants to think that they’re a wonderful, caring individual worthy of respect. And they want someone who mirrors themselves. In many cases, they come up way short. But, in other instances, they may come pretty close. So, go ahead – make yourself look tremendous. If you’re not the complete package – so what, very few people are. You can always strive to be better, right?

Everyone has a flaw or two – that’s what makes us human. In order to be believable, you should include at least one flaw – otherwise people will think that your profile is pure fiction. One person may be a great lover, a generous soul and a super dancer. On the other hand, they have occasional bad breath, snore loudly and get cranky in the morning. Another individual is fantastic with children, a great conversationalist and a decent cook, but is having a perpetually bad hair day and watches too much reality television.

Life is a series of trade-offs – what you have to do is determine what’s important to you and what you can put up with in a mate. To me, for example, bad breath isn’t a deal breaker, because gum and mouthwash exist and are easily obtained. Plus, I don’t have a very acute sense of smell. My mate had better be a good cook, because food is a major deal with me (see photo for verification). Also, the person I am with has to be able to talk intelligently about things that interest me. She needs to be up on current events.

Airheads, regardless of how physically attractive they may be, don’t have a chance with me. One time I was playing a trivia board game with one of my exes, and when the question, “When does a woman first start to show that she’s pregnant?” came up, she replied, “August.” I knew right then and there that the relationship was over. One time another gal I was dating (who was quite a bit younger than me) saw a poster of the Beatles on my bedroom wall. She exclaimed, “Who are those three guys with Paul McCartney?” She too, was quickly history.

Here are a few more tips on what to put into your online dating profile:

Religion is important to a lot of people. If it’s important to you, put it in your profile. Otherwise, avoid the subject like the plague. My first girlfriend in high school thought religion was a major deal and we prayed a lot. She prayed about going to heaven and I prayed about getting laid.

Don’t mention politics in your profile. Unless you want to date someone like Ann Coulter or Bill O’Reilly. Otherwise you’ll find yourself carrying signs at protests and even possibly getting arrested at Anti-War, Pro-Choice and/or Pro-Life rallies every weekend. (depending on your stance on the issue) Not a very romantic setting, to say the least. Getting to know each other in a jail cell is not recommended.

When you’re writing about your preferences in a dating partner, don’t present too many restrictions. I read one profile recently where a woman wrote that she was looking for a guy who had “No mustaches, no beards or excess body hair. No tall guys, no smokers, no drinkers, no fake tans, and must be a virgin.” Wow! What’s left out there? This woman is going to find herself dating a hairless dwarf albino priest. And unless you live in the Himalayas, there’s a shortage of those on the market.

Other tips:

• Be sincere and honest (“All charges were eventually dropped.”)
• Tell only tasteful jokes (Stay away from naughty limericks and “knock knock” jokes)
• Figure out what makes you different from everyone else (“I can lick my eyebrows and know all the words to ‘Chocolate Rain.’)
• Stay away from generic adjectives (“cuddly”; “schizophrenic”) and focus more on proper nouns (“Dungeon Keeper”; “Puppet Master”) and story-telling (“One time at Band Camp…”)
• Stay positive and confident. Be proud of what you are (“I keep my KKK hood spotless and only burn environmentally safe wooden crosses.”)

Hopefully these tips will help you write an interesting, entertaining and effective online dating profile that will attract the kind of person you want to meet. Many of the folks that I have written dating profiles for found good mates and some even ending up marrying them. It just goes to show you – words CAN get you the right date. And after that, you’re on your own!

About the author: Ed is a 48-year old former standup comic, freelance writer/journalist who likes to blow bubbles and kiss his dogs. Some people have serious problems with that, but does he care? He enjoys his life living in San Francisco and appreciates what he has — a fabulous fiancee, two great mutts, a dedicated shrink and really good prescription medication.

For more of his insane rantings, visit his blog, “Life on the Edge” at: www.edattanasio.blogspot.com