by Brenda.

A few months ago I left a comment here on a post entitled “Are You Permanently Celibate” and have been asked to expand on my thoughts.

Basically the post was about a women who had her name on a dating site and in her profile stated that she was permanently celibate. The post itself didn’t compel me to leave a comment, it was everyone’s comments that got me a little hot and bothered. Most of them were about how this woman was a tease, had problems, didn’t like men, was lying to herself, etc. I disagreed completely. She seemed to understand herself well and was very upfront about what she wanted, which struck me as being very honest. Chances are she only got responses from men who felt much the same way she did about dating…more power to her I say.

Unlike this woman I haven’t made some declaration to be permanently celibate, but I do consider myself to be happily single. As I said in my comments to the original post, “There’s a myth out there that women or men who are happily single are not open enough, hate the opposite sex, need therapy or are just lying.” The reality is, being in a relationship or being married does not automatically mean that you’ll be happy. It also doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely. I was married for 10 years and have been single for 14, and during both times experienced feelings of loneliness, along with many other feelings, both positive and negative.

I’m not saying you should avoid the possibility of finding someone if that’s really what you want – you just shouldn’t put your life on hold because you’re single. And you shouldn’t look to the “relationship” as some sort of emotional utopia, if you’re doing that chances are you’re not emotionally ready to be in a relationship anyway.

It’s important to really understand your motives and to really understand yourself. For me, I do enjoy the company of men but I know I don’t want to live with one again. It may be good for some people but I know it’s just not right for me. What’s really important here is that I’ve made this decision solely on what I want. It’s not based on what other people think is right for me. It’s not a reaction to a bad relationship. It’s a choice based on an understanding of who I am and what I want from life.

I have dated during the past 14 years, and will continue to if the opportunity presents itself, but I date to meet people, have an enjoyable evening and partake in good conversation. I don’t do it as some sort of interview process for a new husband. A few times I’ve dated guys who were ultimately looking for a wife, and those dates were a drag. I felt like I was on some weird dating show where everything was about the end result and no one was having fun in the moment. There’s nothing worse than someone looking at you and wanting you to be their other half. Good grief, make yourself a whole person first, I can’t complete you – only you can do that. And why would I want to be involved with half a person anyway?

Chances are if you’re not happy now as a single person, you won’t be happy in a relationship either. Learn to enjoy your own company, do things that make you happy and don’t put things on hold until you can do them with a significant other. You deserve better than that.

So the next time you hear someone say that they are happily single don’t assume that they’re lying, afraid to take a chance, or recovering from a bad break-up. It’s more likely that they are living the life they want on their terms, and quite happy about it.

About the author: